Sunday, 3 February 2013
"Waves of doubt keep drowning me"
There's a song by Level 42 called Lessons in Love that contains the words "waves of doubt keep drowning me". I think us adopters could re-write the song and call it Lessons in Adoption but keep those same words.
OK, I'm not being drowned any more like we were back in November/December but waves are still lightly lapping up around my feet. Only occasionally though. Every now and then a little wave of doubt, of mild panic, washes over and I worry but then we have a day like today when Missy has been pretty much perfect (ok, there are 90 mins left before she goes to bed as I write so this could all change*).
But yesterday morning after Daddy had done an excellent job getting her dressed and washed, playing their usual games, I tried to do her hair and ended up walking out of her room after she had a tantrum, hit me and then hid in a corner. I walked out rather than let her see me cry. Daddy sorted the situation and we had all had a hug. The Adoption UK monthly magazine then arrived. It's a very useful magazine but the first article I read sent one of those waves washing up.
It's a bit like one step backwards and two steps forward (which sounds far more positive than two steps forward and one back). We're making progress albeit slowly. We're heading in the right direction and stop a while when one of those waves comes in, then we move forward again.
Last night I went out with the local adopter mums' support group for a meal. It's so great to speak to other mums and share our situations, our issues, our life with mums who get what is happening. I have lots of lovely friends who are very supportive in regard to how hard parenting is, but, apart from two, they don't get that parenting an adoptee makes things that bit more difficult. Why is my daughter so anxious about going to a particular shopping centre - has she remembered something from her past? Why doesn't she like feathers? What makes her hyper-vigilant? Does she understand why it wasn't safe with her birth mum, what does she remember? Is a song I'm playing triggering a memory? What are these 'sad feelings' she has which she cannot explain to us? I guess only adoptive parents will really understand what I mean here.
In other news, my tax rebate is due and I'm treating myself to a massage. Yeah!
* Missy had a little grumble but I'll put it down to tiredness.